Merge Wright: Patch Me Up


Patch me up

For the obsessive compulsive eater will this be the future? The pizza patch. It’s not where they grow pizzas it’s a patch you wear that feeds a small amount of cheese, pasta and pepperoni into your taste buds all day long. Guaranteed to give you the same wonderful feeling of eating a large pizza with no cholesterol, fat, indigestion and bloating. This week only get a free two liter diet Pepsi patch when you order two Pizza Patches. Coming soon the Baconator, large fry and 32 ounce Diet Coke patch for just $7.95. I’ll need the pizza, meatloaf, cheeseburger, Colorado rainbow brook trout, Bob Evans Rise and Shine breakfast and the Cracker Barrel hamburger steak platter patches just to get started. Patch Work is what they’ll call me, but my BMI will be perfect.

Here’s a couple of summer movies you won’t want to miss. “Wrench Kiss”… Love on the grease rack was never like this before. Zee French ballet dancer Monique asks the boys at Auto Fleece in Lebanon to help her with her flat tire and she falls madly in love wid de air hose guy Johnny. Well the next thing you know they spend the summer wrench twisting and kissing all day. Tune ups, brake jobs, oil changes and shocks keep you glued to your seat. You’ll want to be there when the couple in a mad passionate hug inflate their airbags for a romantic moment of bliss…... or is it blisters. Mr. Goodwrench gives this movie 4 bolts and a double twist. The other is a romantic comedy about Mary Lou Burnsted and Booger Johnson. It’s called the “Bridges of Warren County” and features all the bridge closings in the county. It begins with Mary Lou and Booger meeting at a closed bridge and deciding to go to Cedar Point together if they can

find their way successfully. After several attempts (they really need to get an updated GPS system) they arrive at the Point 90 minutes before closing. Wasting no time they ride the Wicked Twister, Iron Dragon, El Toro and go on the Cedar Creek Mine ride and really get to know each other before heading to BW3’s back in Miami Twp. for Mai Tais and wings. Look for a surprise ending in a canoe on the Little Miami river at midnight. You’ll be laughing so hard you’ll be in tears.

City fathers and locals were a flutter the other day when word leaked, or percolated that Starbucks was coming to Woodland Greens this summer. After checking we found the hyperbole to be completely unfounded and that in reality the national chain of Star Bug’s Bait Shops was considering a discount drive thru bait, bugs, burgers and beer operation just east of the court house. Star Bugs are the innovators of the 50 cent night crawler and the Midnight Fisherman’s Extra Value Pack featuring 12 burgers, 12 beers, 12 night crawlers, 12 minnows and 12 beetles for just $24.95. Remember Star Bugs does not serve cappuccinos or latte’s, so don’t ask.

C. Moore Hynee the owner of the Hynee Wine Company plans on kicking off this year’s “Show Us Your Hynee” festival with a Hynee kissing both. Clarets, Rose’s and White Zinfandels will be available for lip smacking and smooching just before the parade starts. Remember C. Moore’s motto, “A day without a little Hynee is like a day without your smart phone. is open 24/7 for your comments.

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